In this post
Being a mum with chronic pain I try to teach my children about life, but It’s actually my children who teach me what life is all about.
The struggle of becoming a mum
I’m sure you would agree with me, being a parent is the best job in the world right?
That doesn’t mean it’s not hard though.
I always wanted children and we tried for 4 years with no success.
It was Heartbreaking to find each month I wasn’t pregnant and I hated every pregnant woman and new mum.
This was hard on our relationship too.
I was due to start IVF in 2 weeks and it finally happened.
I was pregnant!
There were complications during my pregnancy which meant I was under consultant care and one month before I was due, I got taken to the hospital and was told I needed to have my baby now because my baby was suffocating.
A few days later she was born.
We were both full of heart-bursting joy and love for this little curled-up human we had created together.
Only a few days later she was taken into ICU with suspected Meningitis.
We were there for about a week before she was well enough to leave and go home with us.
She is now 9.
When my oldest was 2, my husband and I decided we would start trying for another.
To our shock, I got pregnant straight away.
This pregnancy was even worse, I was in so much pain and had lots of other issues, one being I developed gestational diabetes which was a shock as I was 8 stone, tall, slim and healthy.
I had to go in a month early again to have my second and this time we knew we were having a girl and she was due a week before Christmas.
I wanted to be prepared.
She took forever, it was exhausting and I was in agony due to my chronic pain.
My youngest is now 6.
I am very lucky to have my best friend as my husband and to have two girls.
You can read my story about how I was diagnosed and my pain journey.
What does being a mum look like?
You may think, that’s a strange question to ask.
But we all have this view of what we want to be like before we become a mum, don’t we?
Is it what you thought it would be?
Are you the mum you wanted to be?
No judging, just asking you to look deep within as I am doing too whilst writing this, asking myself and you these questions.
The reality of being a mum with chronic pain
My pain is not like your pain, and your pain isn’t like the next person’s pain.
We give up so much of ourselves and push ourselves despite our pain. Is this because we are mums? Or is it who we are?
I know I am stubborn, opinionated, needing things to be just so (oh did I mention I’m neurodivergent?) and a little stressy sometimes but that is me, that is who I am.
Since the age of 10, I have had chronic pain.
So it’s hard to remember what I was like before and if I was different.
What I do know is that my pain has made me strong, and I’m able to cope with more physical pain too.
Does this ring true for you? Let me know.
The problem with being a mum with chronic pain is that we don’t put ourselves first, or even second third or fourth. We barely think about what we need and what our pain is doing to us.
Like you I push through until it’s too late, this does not end well for me or for my family, as I’m sure you know.
I then can’t help them because I am stuck in bed, screaming, unable to get dressed or even breathe without the pain burning through my body.
With this brings guilt.
Guilt that I have let them down because I didn’t pace, because I didn’t listen to my body hours ago screaming at me, for not doing all things I tell my children to do.
Guilt because now I can’t drive them to their groups, I can’t take them to the park, I can’t play with them or cook their meals.
What my children say about me
My girls are sweet, funny, caring, smart and completely different but yet so alike.
When I lay with them at the end of the day or have little chats during the day they always say “I love you”. And “You are the best mummy in the universe”.
What’s my response?
Yes, that’s right. “Oh no I don’t think so sweetie, I make loads of mistakes”.
Do you know what they say?
“That’s ok mummy, we still love you”.
Isn’t that amazing?
Our children are brilliant, aren’t they? They love us unconditionally despite our flaws.
I don’t know if you do this but when I have got cross (not that often, I think) at them when I had little reason to, I apologise and tell them why I did that.
It seems they are always forgiving, always loving, caring and understanding.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the ‘perfect’ mum, always listening, playing, being attentive, calm and doing the right thing.
In reality, we are human and we make mistakes.
We can not be all those things all the time as much as we would tell ourselves we ‘should’ be.
I’m sure like me you are asking “Why not? Because Sue down the road always has her sh*t together”.
But does she? Does she really though?
Everyone has struggles and every mum is trying her best to keep the house running, cook healthy family meals, keep the home clean and tidy, be present with your kids and partner, work and try to have some time for yourself.
I know, I’m laughing too, time for myself? I must be joking right?
When you are a mum with chronic pain it adds an extra thing to our pile, an extra bit of chaos in our imperfect perfect lives.
Yep, I struggle with finding or making time for myself, despite the daily 24/7 pain.
I am always being told I need to do more for myself and reduce the workload, to help create a calmer less tense environment for myself to help reduce the pain.
But I home-educate my children whilst trying to run my own business (which is much harder when It’s not your normal 9-5 job) and do all the other things I stated above.
It’s not easy, right? And yet we don’t cut ourselves any slack, we just berate ourselves.
The perfect imperfect life of being a mum with chronic pain
What I have come to realise is that I want to strive and embrace the perfect imperfect life.
I want to get things wrong as this is a chance to grow and learn.
My children and yours are going to grow up seeing others in a different way, they will change the world because they can see invisible chronic illnesses.
They can understand the difficulties life throws at mums with chronic pain and anyone with chronic pain for that matter.
How we adapt and never give up.
Our children will have the power and knowledge to help others when we are gone, to come up with new ways to ease their pain, develop new treatments and offer support in ways we don’t get now.
They are the future of new medicine, new ways of living, and new ways of supporting and viewing the world and all because we are showing and talking about our chronic pain, telling our struggles and how we are living our perfect imperfect lives.
Having challenges with chronic pain or something else doesn’t mean we have to be miserable, these challenges are helping us become strong, and teach our children that despite our ever-lasting and agonising pain we can still live, and we can still do things.
Yes, we may have to do things differently, but we are fighters. Aren’t we?
That’s the legacy I want to leave.
Saying we are living an imperfectly perfect life is often used to carry the message that something or someone is not flawless, but is still amazing, beautiful, and wonderful.
That’s the life I am living.
What life are you living?
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The person behind it all
I am a Mumma of three, a Wife, a Home Educator, a Blogger and lastly a Chronic Pain Sufferer.
The most common questions I get asked are “How do I get my hair curly, is it natural?” “
“How are you so organised?”
“You must be really smart to educate your children, are you a teacher?”
and lastly “What is CRPS?”
I have suffered from chronic pain since the age of 10, it has been a daily struggle ever since.
I know thousands of people suffer as I do and I want to share what helps me and my expertise in CRPS, chronic pain and more.
So, I started this blog to share my answers to those questions, journey and experiences with you. I have always been passionate about health, personal growth, and creating a balanced lifestyle for myself and my family.
Searching for ways to enjoy life in a minimalistic way, be part of my children’s education and reduce stress and pain as a whole is important to me.
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